...than a reformed "former fattie."

My mother was an overweight teen, with a typical Eastern European body. Our ancestors were prone to live through famine, and were often chased into hiding by pogroms. Therefore we as a rule tend to hold onto every calorie and pooch out when we eat normally.

As a preteen and teen, my mom was overweight. She became a Marilyn Monroe-esque young adult, with a curvy but well-proportioned body. She dieted through the late '50s, attractive enough to attract an aspiring actor as a first husband, one who, it turned out, wanted her as a "beard" to shield himself from scrutiny as a homosexual.

That marriage didn't last long, but soon after that collapsed, she met my future dad. It was a whirlwind courtship that included her getting pregnant during the planning phase for her wedding. They were married in April, 1963, and I popped out November 5th.

She wound up losing the fat when she had me...she barely gained when she was carrying me, and started a crash diet after having me. There was no concern about lactation back in the early 1960s, babies were routinely bottle fed "scientific" formula. She succeeded in getting to a weight she was somewhat happy with, but was constantly watching every bite she ate.

And as I grew up, she was constantly watching and judging every bite I ate. I remember her starting when I was about 9 or 10, and accelerating at 11 and a half when I hit puberty. "It's unfair, and wrong, but a woman's looks are still her fortune" was one of her refrains. She would tell me again and again about her "fattie" teens, about bullies singing "I've got a loverly bunch of coconuts" to her as she walked by, and about rejection at school dance time.

This didn't make me want to conform to her expectations. If anything, it switched me into "fuck you" mode. I dieted somewhat during my teens, but would occasionally order things eating out or pick things out in the store that I knew would push her buttons. I was never obese as a teen but I was somewhat overweight...certainly "too fat" in her eyes and also in the eyes of my ex-"flapper" grandmother and my frankly mentally ill great aunt Evelyn.

I was curvy too as a teen, but curvy in a way that attracted attention. Big on top. I think that my late teens were a time of sexual experimentation absolutely because of the "fuck you" factor between me and my mother. By this time my mom was anorexic, smoked, abused laxatives and diuretics, and took "thyroid" pills, first prescribed by a doctor but later provided by a friendly pharmacist who also supplied her with the Miltown she abused as well.

This was after the Sexual Revolution (a fight that seemingly was exclusively about men's needs looking back on it) and before HIV/AIDS became an issue for heterosexuals. The worst thing that could happen, according to conventional wisdom, was Herpes. Anything else could be cured with a shot of antibiotics. I was on The Pill beginning in Junior High to control my periods, which were brutal without it.

I quite literally had a "come to Jesus" moment about my sexuality during my first year in college. Which I entered early after taking the California High School Proficiency Exam. The test was a joke back then: they wanted to make sure someone was just literate enough to read a want ad, and numerate enough to make change and do simple arithmetic. Talk about the "soft bigotry of low expectations!" I wound up going to school studying photography and journalism, and helping out a local rock photographer in his lab and in his archives.

Local Rock Photographer actually wanted to get in my panties. He was married, I liked his pretty, perky British wife, and I resisted him. It was only after he threatened me with badmouthing me to the entire print media in what had just become the second largest city in the USA did I let him have his way. I know now that this was rape, that it was also statutory rape and even if it was consensual (which it wasn't, it was under coercion) he could get in serious "young stuff" trouble.

I eventually stopped going to his house on weekends, and just sort of slipped out of his life. I still scan the obituaries hoping to see his run. The guilt drove me into the arms of a cultic "Hebrew Christian" group, which I stayed in for a couple of years. He made me feel like junk and damaged goods, and I believe he made me subconsciously sabotage myself when I was working on various local papers and rock magazines. I would miss deadlines and just be a stereotypical LA flake about my work.

If I had applied myself maybe I would have succeeded. Instead, I was a failure and a flake and only meeting and falling in love with my husband Richie did I feel like I was worth a tinker's damn. Richie loved me in spite of being a little Zaftig, and as my metabolism changed I started getting bigger. Of course, I didn't diet, wouldn't diet, because I was afraid of becoming an obsessed anorexic/bulimic/chronic dieter like my mother. I exercised but didn't do the kind of aerobics and jogging and tennis my mom did...again, the F-you factor. Walking was what I did a lot of.

In any event, my mother came down with colon cancer. She had no idea she had it for the longest time, although her doctors had noticed "pernicious anemia" for years and attributed it to her dieting and her unhealthy lifestyle. But I believe the colon cancer was there, and that her smoking (she would never quit because she feared getting fat) and her abuse of laxatives were strong contributors to her cancer.

By the time she got to the end stage of her cancer she was rail thin. "At least I look good in clothes now" was one of the things I remember her saying. She didn't let on that under her clothes was a colostomy bag. She was Kate Moss thin, model thin, wearing 0 and double-0 dresses, and that was all that mattered to her. When her emaciated body was finally laid out in her coffin, I pleaded with the family for a closed-casket funeral. They refused. And Richie turned to me after viewing her body and walking out of the little shul at Mount Sinai Cemetery, and said, "thin enough at last."

My metabolism has caught up with me. I am, frankly, FAT. Obese. But like another "person of weight," Cee Lo Green, my attitude about doing a lot of the things one is supposed to do to get back to a reasonable weight can be summed up in two words: Fuck You.

Thanks, mom, you just complicated any attempt to lose this weight, feel better, and get healthy. Big thank you too to Great Aunt Evelyn. There is nothing... NOTHING so judgmental as a reformed "fattie." NOTHING.

And they call an Islamic Community Center, sort of a YMCA or JCC for Muslims, "defilement" of Ground Zero.

Gentlemen: New York Dolls, the strip joint.
http://tinyurl.com/ground0nudiebar

The all-important decision has come down. As of August 18th, GLBT people will be able to marry once again in California.

This is going to provide a stimulus to the California economy, as the race will be on for the most FABULOUS California weddings.

And it's just...plain...RIGHT.

Halleluyah. I'm gonna dance and meow now. Nyan nyan!

When President Bill Clinton summed up his views on abortion by saying they should be safe, legal, and rare, he was misunderstood by a lot of people, depending on their slant on this particular issue.

No, this was not an anti-choice statement. Rather, this was a statement of wanting BETTER choices for women. Abortion, like war, should be a last, last, LAST resort. Effective and available birth control, comprehensive reality and evidence-based sex education, information about outercourse and safer sensuality alternatives, information about abstinence...these all are elements of a comprehensive strategy for the betterment of women's place in society. Educating our girls and women and giving them opportunities for higher education are other elements of this strategy. Educated women tend to have less unwanted pregnancies and tend to have daughters who also postpone pregnancy for education and self-betterment.

However, even the most prepared women have to deal with contraception failures, coercive sex, incest and rape. It is the height of barbarism to force a woman to carry a pregnancy to term that was the result of rape or incest or coercive sex. When abortion is illegal, and women feel they just cannot continue a pregnancy and face bearing a baby fathered by a rapist or by a close family member, they will go to any length to end that pregnancy, even if it means ending her own life as well. Glib statements about "making lemonade out of lemons" does not take away the fact that a pregnancy that started from violence or coercion has a horrible effect on a woman's self-esteem.

We need to have all elements in place. And that includes safe, legal, and hopefully rare abortion. A safe and effective pill for abortion will mean less deaths and maimings for behavior that will happen regardless of what we might like or consider desirable. Unless you believe women have a lesser value to society -- and alas, there are too many cultures left in the world who have exactly those kind of values -- you will support an effort to keep these women alive and productive in society.

Oh no he didn't!

Oh yes he did.

Glenn Beck basically called Jews "Christ killers."

I'd wade through the entire episode of Beck's show someone posted on YouTube to find the quote, but I really am not in need of induced vomiting right now.

OK, Bear Jew...step up to the plate and hit Glenn Beck out of the park! Would that only I could get him to do that for me. :P

Yeah, I'm going to AX in 2011.

I guess I'm a glutton for punishment.

Curse you, Danny Choo! (shakes fist)

There is precisely ONE thing AX did well this year. For those of us with a 4 day pass, we got free rides on the con shuttle buses. They were PISS POOR and ruined my chance of seeing the first Danny Choo event. (I couldn't attend the second because it was programmed opposite one of two appearances I made on panels today) But they were FREE for those who paid the full freight on a 4 day badge. I guess be thankful for small mercies, huh?

The pay and pay and pay as you go aspect of AX was still very much in full effect mode. No, you didn't have to pay for getting into the AMVs either, but that was only because of concerns about the MPAA, RIAA and other MAFIAA families getting their knickers in a twist about "content theft."

Ok, let me let my very animated friend Nina Paley explain something about copying and transformative works:

( Read more... )

Yeah, I like Hetalia. And now that the US has been eliminated (and even before) yeah, I like Japan's team. Ganbatte, Nihon!

...and this all popped in my head at once. It's based on a really cheesy bit of greeting card/Christian bookstore poster prattle. I got an ironic laugh out of it. Maybe if you're as world weary as I feel right now the laugh might do you good.

Footprints, 2010

A newly dead person and The Lord were walking on the bright pristine sandy beaches of Heaven. The Lord was showing the newly dead person their life. Most of the time there were two sets of footprints in the sand, the newly dead person and The Lord.

But the newly dead person noticed something strange. During the worst crises of their life, there were only one set of trudging footprints in the sand. They also looked heavily weighted down and labored.

The newly dead person got indignant at that point. "The most difficult times in my life were going on, and there were only one set of footprints there! Where were you, Lord? Where on Earth were you?"

The Lord smiled a wide, unctuous grin.

"Oh, my precious, precious, PRECIOUS child! I love and care for you! Where would you think I'd be?"

"I dunno."

"You don't understand, my dearest one! It was then when I..." The Lord paused.

"Yes?"

"It was then, my precious child, when I..." The Lord paused again, this time longer.

The newly dead person was really, really mad at that point. "WHERE THE HELL WERE YOU?"

The Lord grinned even wider.

"My absolutely beloved precious child! It was then when I went out and had a beer and a smoke!"

The Lord laughed, and his laugh was like a thousand thunders.

The newly dead person cast his gaze downward and about.

"What are you looking at, my precious schnookiewookums?"

"There's gotta be a portal to Hell somewhere...anyplace would be better than here."

The Lord laughed even harder and watched as the dead man continued trudging along, his illusions shattered. This was the ten thousandth time he had told that joke, and it kept getting funnier and funnier every time he told it. He figured he'd savor the moment for a bit until he told the dead guy that he was just kidding.

OK, Glenn's right, I was wrong. It's funny. It would actually have been nice if they had offered a Karaoke version on the DVD set.

I guess Dr. Horrible changed my attitude about this.

I *STILL* feel the same about "Depth Takes A Holiday." Ugh.

Should have thrown this up on here right after I did it.



This is the replacement for the logo I made for myself in PowerPoint in 2006. It's sort of based on the notorious logo for the Russian TV production company VID that gives people in Eastern Europe nightmares...but it's more femme. And yeah, same music. Did you know it has a name, like all the studio logo themes do? It's called "t3h 3v1l." And I did it myself. In Garage Band.

There is another version of this up on YouTube which has a car-starting sound at the beginning as an acknowledgement of VID's masterpiece of evil. Oh yeah, the guy who ran VID? He died. Under mysterious circumstances. Submitted for your approval. From the Twilight Zone. Dee dee dee dee, dee dee dee dee...Bwa! Budda budda bow!

I finally managed to hit Cinegear, and it's a pretty damn cool show. For one thing, DV Expo isn't held on the oldest and most storied back lot in Hollywood. Para-freaking-mount. Since Nineteen-freaking-Twelve. Yeah, they have a few things up their sleeve in two years, watch out. The first of the surviving Big Movie Studios to hit the Century mark won't just go "ho-hum" and not do something special. Nobody's talking but I'm sure a few people I met yesterday knew.



The best stuff was the stuff I couldn't take pictures of. Like the edit suites that CBS and Paramount Pictures use for TV production, which btw are extremely Mac-centric and Final Cut-centric. All of the TV stuff they do there has been "switched" to Final Cut. There are Avid edit suites there but the most action they get is some features. Pretty soon they figure they will be using them less and less. And some absolutely eye-popping footage shot with a Red One camera with the new Mysterium X sensor, and even more eye-popping footage shot with a new revision of the Sony CineAlta camera that made the Red stuff look ho-hum by comparison. The latter stuff I couldn't even post to do justice. You wouldn't be able to experience it. Nobody has a computer monitor capable of doing it justice.



Many of the displays were on "New York Street" which is actually a series of meandering streets that interconnect. This is not the original article I remember roaming in the '70s when my mom was dating a guy who was a prop man there...those burnt down in 1983. But it's very atmospheric. There were a couple of soundstages that were also being used for displays of products, both of which dated from the late '20s. You really are walking around surrounded by history. On our way back from the Editorial Department and headed for one of the screening rooms we passed the "writer's building" from Sunset Boulevard. You could almost see Joe Gillis shooting the breeze on the balcony with a fellow scribe.



Oh if only the snow was real...it must have been in the 90s that day but no joy. The ice skater was skating on artificial ice, the snow was all fake, but it looked the part. I suppose that's the point.



This blew me away when I imported it into Photoshop. I'm sure eventually this tendency for the little lens inside my phone camera to flare out spectacularly will piss me off. But until then I really like this effect. There is a little of it on the Melrose Gate picture up top as well, and it looks nice.

I had a lot of fun, I walked away with some sweet swag, including a really nice Fuji Motion Picture Film mini-backpack just perfect for quick trips to the store for non-perishables or visits to Farmer's Markets. I also have some business cards I need to drop on Professor Watanabe when next I visit him. It was a good respite from the shit I have to do for my last class to finish...finals for that is tomorrow...eep...back to work...

So now I am closing comments, until IJ deals with these Hacked by Chinese spams.

This is seriously making me think of moving all my shit to Dreamwidth. I support what they are doing by creating a better take on LJ and LJ workalikes, with 100% F/OSS infrastructure. It will mean I will prolly have to BUY an account to get what I have now with IJ for free. But I'm sick of this.

Remember I said THIS?
And before that, I said THIS?

Guess what. I'm eating my words. They're tasty. I'll be at Anime Expo. Dammit.

And this is not just about a holiday anymore. It's about a whole ethnic group who have to carry a copy of their birth certificate now because...well, they are a particular ethnic group. A particular ethnic group which I live with and have established many friendships with. I don't ask them about their immigration status...they're my neighbors. And I serve them on the Panorama City Neighborhood Council.

Time to get out the same old boycott lists we had during the MLK debacle...

The spambots have been fscking around with this here InsaneJournal. Warning to all spammers: your posts WILL be pulled.

You know you've seen them. They are old, but not old enough to collect Social Security. And they have too much time on their hands. So they wind up going to teabagger rallies and holding up misspelled signs.

Here's an idea: the Social Security Administration would probably be quite interested in why a disabled person who can't work is nevertheless holding signs and jumping around screaming for President Obama's head at these rallies.

This is the link that will lead you to the online form for reporting SSI/SSDI fraud.

http://www.ssa.gov/oig/guidelin.htm

It's time to TAKE ACTION against these teabagging hypocrites.